Sunday, December 28, 2008

Seriously the worst band ever...

I'd sooner fork out the green for front row tickets to The Jonas Brothers than ever hear a Nickelback song again. If you listen to them, shame on you. If you willingly trade your hard earned money for their CDs, posters, or tickets, please leave me a comment and I'll come to your house and take that money and put it toward my tuition. That way, you still get robbed, but at least I put forth more effort earning it and it's going to a good cause.

I just visited a friend's (she shall remain nameless) myspace page. She had just added "Gotta Be Somebody", Nickelback's new single, to her player. I immediately remembered I never made her that mix CD I promised her almost three years ago. Maybe I could have saved her. Anyway, eventually, curiosity got the best of me and I had to find the video on youtube.

(Persons with a heart condition or are pregnant, nursing, or may become pregnant should consult a doctor before viewing)

Let us begin.

Drummer: I could have played this when I was seventeen. Step it up, son.

Guitarist: Why don't you learn another chord? You use the same four chords for the verse and chorus parts. And on top of that, you don't even switch them up. Also, the pre-chorus is just wretched.

Bassist: You look distracted - like someone is jangling keys off-screen. Pay attention you what you're doing.

Chad Kroeger: Where to begin... 1) Stop standing bow-legged. It looks like a moose took advantage of you last night. 2) Stop bleaching your hair. And I'm not sure if you're aware, men's hair should never be feathered. I heard that after seeing this, Farrah Faucet's nipples softened for the first time in history out of sheer sadness. 3) Please explain why you're playing the guitar in this song. There's no difference between what you play and what the lackey to your right plays. 4) That ground cracking beneath your feet? It's not because you're so rockin'. The Earth is just trying to swallow you because the sound waves you create are detrimental to the environment. Little Boy and Fat Man caused less damage.

Live Nation (Nickelback's label): Stop marketing this crap. Who gave the greenlight on signing them?

I heard recently that rock and roll is destroying America. I partially agree. I don't feel that rock is destroying America. But I'm pretty sure the runny, corn-encrusted fecal matter that is passed off as rock and roll can't be good for society.

So for all that is good and decent, stop making terrible music. Stop manipulating people into buying terrible music by attaching a cool stigma to it.

That is all.


punkinpants said...

AMEN! AMEN! AMEN! AMEN! I would be hard pressed to agree with you more. Things I hate about rock n' roll, Erica Clapton's son dies tragically and you can't even get Nickle-fidy cent-three-doors-to-the-right-hoobastank-back on a damn airplane and crash it! Why? Why, why, why?