Seriously the worst band ever...

I'd sooner fork out the green for front row tickets to The Jonas Brothers than ever hear a Nickelback song again. If you listen to them, shame on you. If you willingly trade your hard earned money for their CDs, posters, or tickets, please leave me a comment and I'll come to your house and take that money and put it toward my tuition. That way, you still get robbed, but at least I put forth more effort earning it and it's going to a good cause.

I just visited a friend's (she shall remain nameless) myspace page. She had just added "Gotta Be Somebody", Nickelback's new single, to her player. I immediately remembered I never made her that mix CD I promised her almost three years ago. Maybe I could have saved her. Anyway, eventually, curiosity got the best of me and I had to find the video on youtube.

(Persons with a heart condition or are pregnant, nursing, or may become pregnant should consult a doctor before viewing)



Let us begin.

Drummer: I could have played this when I was seventeen. Step it up, son.

Guitarist: Why don't you learn another chord? You use the same four chords for the verse and chorus parts. And on top of that, you don't even switch them up. Also, the pre-chorus is just wretched.

Bassist: You look distracted - like someone is jangling keys off-screen. Pay attention you what you're doing.

Chad Kroeger: Where to begin... 1) Stop standing bow-legged. It looks like a moose took advantage of you last night. 2) Stop bleaching your hair. And I'm not sure if you're aware, men's hair should never be feathered. I heard that after seeing this, Farrah Faucet's nipples softened for the first time in history out of sheer sadness. 3) Please explain why you're playing the guitar in this song. There's no difference between what you play and what the lackey to your right plays. 4) That ground cracking beneath your feet? It's not because you're so rockin'. The Earth is just trying to swallow you because the sound waves you create are detrimental to the environment. Little Boy and Fat Man caused less damage.

Live Nation (Nickelback's label): Stop marketing this crap. Who gave the greenlight on signing them?

I heard recently that rock and roll is destroying America. I partially agree. I don't feel that rock is destroying America. But I'm pretty sure the runny, corn-encrusted fecal matter that is passed off as rock and roll can't be good for society.

So for all that is good and decent, stop making terrible music. Stop manipulating people into buying terrible music by attaching a cool stigma to it.

That is all.

A story. And a list.

So I'll start with a story. This was my first Christmas with my Wifey. Everything went off without a hitch. We saw relatives. No one fought. It really was a great Christmas. Until it was over. See, I had to be to work at midnight on the 26th (hey, that's where I am...wow). We left her parents' place (Farmington) about 6 and ventured northward, knowing we would run into a storm.

Boy did we run into a storm...

It was bad enough we didn't even bother with Sardine Canyon. We "knew" it would be closed. We both grew up traversing it, we know how this game works.

Or so we thought.

We got off the exit in Tremonton to come that way. A few miles down that highway there was a cop car, lights-a-flashin', in the middle of the road informing us that the highway was closed. So many people had come that way avoiding the canyon that they had to close the road. Sardine was open the WHOLE TIME.

I was annoyed.

So we started the trek back to Brigham City to brave the canyon. We stopped at a Flying-J to get some snacks. Yummy! Then we entered the canyon. At the mouth was a sign warning that 4x4/chains were required. Good. I drive a 2-wheel-drive Kia. With no chains. Well I didn't have much choice at this point.

To sum up, the drive which normally takes about one hour and ten-fifteen minutes took us four hours and fifty minutes. I was majorly annoyed. I did not get a nap before coming in to work. I should have been home just after seven. Plenty of time for sleepings.

Nope.

---

Part 2

thePatrick posted a list of his top albums for the year. Good choices, sir. I would do one as well, but I really didn't get that much new music this year. Sad...

Instead, I'll regale you with what I listened to in chunks during different periods throughout the year.

Sweeney Todd: The Motion Picture Soundtrack
This one was actually a rollover from the end of 2007. I found 'Epiphany' to be especially lovely while other cars were exhibiting copious amounts of jackassery on the road.








Get Set Go Presents: Sunshine, Joy, And Happiness: A Tragic Tale Of Death, Despair, And Other Silly Nonsense
Released midway through January, this lovely album took over my CD player/iPod for quite a while. I'd been anticipating it for nearly a year and couldn't put it down. Even now when I really start listening to it, do so exclusively for about a week at a time. 'Cannibalism Is The Cure' tops the list dominantly, with the entire rest of the album in a tie for second place...it's all so good!




The Photo Atlas: (all their stuff that I have...)
These guys were sort of a bad luck band for thePatrick and I. Several times attempting to see them ended is sadness. One included a completely pointless trip to PROVO! How much worse can it get, right? Well, Warped Tour '07 apparently ended the curse and we've seen them a few times since. I listened to them for quite a while during the last bit of February in preparation for their March 1st show in Sandy. I bought their singer's amp. It's lovely. I play it loud. Just like they'd want it. (Seriously, they're one of the loudest live shows I've ever seen...maybe it's cause I'm always front and center...?)


Most of summer, I mixed it up pretty good...and then...

Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog
I'm a fan of Neil Patrick Harris. Really. So when I heard about this mini-musical, I was fairly excited. Then when I heard it involved several people who were involved with Buffy The Vampire Slayer, my interest waned. Chad convinced me to watch the first part and I was hooked. I love it. I learned most of the songs (many forgotten by now, unfortunately). It's funny Watch it. F'realz.






Reggie And The Full Effect: Last Stop: Crappy Town
Admittedly, Crappy Town was only one of the five Reggie albums listened to repeatedly toward the end of my summer. It was however, the most recent release from musical genius (really, he's got a degree in composition) James Dewees (formerly of The Get Up Kids and Coalesce). In preparation for the "farewell" concert I listened to this religiously. J Train became a quick favorite. They even made a video for it. It's funny. Go here. Now.




The Faint: (everything I have from them)
thePatrick talked me into going to see these guys with him. I didn't really know them, so I figured I'd better educate myself. Seriously some of the coolest sounds I've ever heard. If you've never listened to them, you're missing out. I don't even know how to describe it. Cap it with the singer dressing like Dr. Horrible at the concert and I was walking (or longboarding) around campus more often than not with them cuddling with my eardrums.




Ben Folds: Way To Normal
Now, at first I was annoyed because I'm a bit of a grammar Nazi. I thought it was supposed to be 'Way Too Normal'. But upon listening to the track 'Effington', I realized that it is referring to the direction one must travel in order to reach Normal, Illinois. 'You Don't Know Me', 'Hiroshima', and 'Free Coffee' also make me quite happy. (Psst, 'Free Coffee', performed live, is one of the coolest things I've ever seen!)





I should probably also give honorable mention to:
The Matches: A Band In Hope
Mindless Self Indulgence: If
Erratic Erotica: Masochist At The Masquerade Ball
The Vandals: Oi To The World (hey, I've devoted almost a dozen posts to that album...that's the only reason it didn't make the top list)
The Dollyrots: Because I'm Awesome

That is all.

Hang Myself From The Tree

Well, this is the last installment from Oi To The World. And one of my favorites. Although, if you're alone this year, maybe don't read it...

---

Christmas is Hell on Earth
I know nothing worse
Than being depressed
And told to be happy
The season of suicide
I know why they died
Christmas reminds me
I have nothin

I've got no girl there's only me
No friends or family
Another Christmas alone
I've got no food to eat
No ornaments or wreath
So I'll hang myself from the tree

Christmas is dark and wet
So I can't forget
Christmas reminds me
I have nothin
This is the end of hope
I won't write a note
Because it would be
Addressed to no one

Got no girl there's only me
No friends or family
Another Christmas alone
Got no food to eat
No ornaments or wreath
So I'll hang myself from the tree

So I'll hang myself from the tree

Now I will say goodbye
And no one will cry
Christmas goes on
Without me
My life is now complete
So I'll go to sleep
Forever and ever and ever

Got no girl there's only me
No friends or family
Christmas alone
Got no food to eat
No ornaments or wreath
So I'll hang myself from the tree

---

I'll even include the live video for this one. Just because I love Warren. (with bonus "A Gun For Christmas" goodness!)



That is all.

Here I Am Lord / C-H-R-I-S-T-M-A-S

Ok...so I don't really like 'Here I Am Lord'. It's apparently a traditional Christmas song, but I've never heard it before. Also, C-H-R-I-S-T-M-A-S is horribly obscene, even by my standards.

So what I've decided to do (so y'all can still be edu-tained) is put up links to the lyrics, already done by someone else.

Here I Am Lord

C-H-R-I-S-T-M-A-S

So there ya go. Don't say I didn't warn you about that acronym one...ridiculous...

That is all.

The OC

So really quick, I just wanted to say that The OC is magical. Yes, I own all four seasons. And Seth makes me happy.


I don't know why I like it so much. Thinking about it, it's practically a soap opera. And those are dumB. Yes, with a capital B. But for some reason, The OC wins.



I made my wife watch a couple episodes right after we got married. Now, not only does she watch them with me, but she even watched a few episodes while I was at work because she couldn't wait to see what happened... Yay!

Go watch now.

That is all.

My First Christmas As A Woman

All I can say is, Chris, keep reaching for that star...

---

I'm not a real girl...

With Christmas upon us
It's time to be honest
Follow my dreams and to face
A life of delusion
And gender confusion
That no longer will be the case

I never wanted army men or basketballs
I only wanted pantyhose and barbie dolls
And dressing up in mother's clothing
my whole life I've been feeling only feminine
It always seemed so useless trying to be a man
Now that's the ghost of Christmas past

And now it feels like the very first time
Cause it's gonna be the very first time
That Christmas feels right to me
And I know that I'm lookin good
Just like a real girl should
It's my first Christmas as a woman

Yeah a doctor reconstructed all my genitals
And now I'm waitin underneath the misteltoe
For a guy who could love a girl like me

I took the hormones and I got my breasts
This season's gonna be the best
To me
I won't have to tuck it behind me
Since I got my brand new vagina
It's my first Christmas as a woman

Chop it off chop it off chop it off
My penis, chop it off
It's no use to me
Cut it off chop it off chop it off
My penis, cut it off
So I can finally be
A woman

Now I'm finally happy cause I made my goal
To be a post-operative transsexual
Now I am a pretty lady

And now it feels like the very first time
Cause it's gonna be the very first time
That Christmas feels right to me
Cause I know that I'm lookin good
Just like a real girl should
It's my first Christmas as a woman

---

Oh, it makes me laugh...

That is all.

I Don't Believe In Santa Claus

Can't find time for shopping this year? Just use this handy speech as an excuse...

---

Uh, the reason I didn't get you anything this year is, is because...

I don't believe in Santa Claus
His corporate image forced upon
The blinded spending masses
To enslave the lower classes
Obligatory gifts that serve
To cleanse a year of guilt and shame
Token gesture justifies
The apathetic hypnotized
Leading them to be Kris Kringle's slaves
Ooh

Buy Buy
I won't do it
The season's obligation has not my participation
Buy Buy
I won't do it
The money-hungry mating call of corporate swine
Cause it's only for the money
And it's only for the money
Cause it's only for the money
Now buy!

He monitors naughty and nice
Big Brother is Saint Nick
Methodically his judgment made
Documented on his list
I don't believe in Santa Claus
Or his mystical facade
To teach the children want and greed
Their lust for gifts becomes a need
Brainwashed by the marketing
And victims of the corporate scheme
Material possessions
Becoming their obsessions
Til human life has lost it's value
Blindly do just what they tell you

I don't believe!

His tactics of intimidation
Repress the minds of youth
Using fear for generations
His image hides the truth
He's just a puppet for the system
A glutton in a suit
With yuletide propaganda
And a bearded mask to boot

Uh, that and, I couldn't find a place to park at the mall. Sorry...

---

Gotta love a good Anti-Corporate Rant at Christmas...

That is all.

Oh, happy days!!!

So, I apparently wasn't listening in Creative Arts class when we were told that the final would be available online from noon on Tuesday to 11:30AM Friday (today). I somehow came under the impression that it was up until 11:30PM. You can imagine the stress I felt when I logged into blackboard only to find that the exam had closed. Catherine had just left to meet with a client so I called her before she pulled out of the driveway. She came running back in and managed to calm me down enough that I could email the professor and beg for mercy. Fifteen minutes later I got a response saying that it would be reopened until 5PM, but no exceptions after that. YAY!!!!!!! So I took it. And rushed it a little. I ended up with about a 79%. Not bad, but not what I needed to help with my GPA. Oh well. The point is, I got to take my final. So I'm a little happier.

Also, I found this. Merry Christmas!

That is all.

Christmas Time For My (you know what)

So, that's not really the title. It's really "Christmas Time For My Penis"

Read on if you're not already offended.

---

I see you've been feeling down
When I need you you've been around
So this year I've a Christmas surprise
That will make your spirits rise

I think back on the times
When you've always been there for me
And when things seemed unclear
You did the thinking for me

I owe you so much that it's hard
To repay you for all the good times
And I won't forget you this year
It's Christmas time for my penis

I know I have let you down
When you just needed a hand
When I was uncertain
You showed me that I am a man

I owe you so much that it's hard
To repay you for all the good times
And I'm going to give you
The joy that you've earned this year pal
It's Christmas time for my penis

Flannel underwear...
New lotion...
A hat?
Oriental massage...
A monocle?
A blowup doll?
A lap-dance?

I owe you so much that it's hard
To repay you for all the good times

It's Christmas time for my penis

I know you've been feeling down
All bent up it's so hard to breathe
Don't fret this Christmas
You'll get the attention you need

I love you so much that it's hard
To repay you for all the good times
We'll get whores and pornography
Your special holiday pal
It's Christmas time for my penis

Thank you.

---

And no, that's NOT the worst song on the album...

That is all.

Oi To The World

Ah, a happy little ditty about two enemies coming together in the spirit of Christmas...

---

If God came down on Christmas Day
What would He think?
What would He say?
Would He notice all we've done?
Or just the battles seldom won?
I think I know what God would say
If He came down on Christmas Day
He'd say to every boy and girl
"Where's the Oi I gave to the world?"

Haji was a punk just like any other boy
And he never had no trouble til he started up his Oi band
Safe in the garage or singing in the tub
Til Haji went to far and he plugged in at the pub

'Twas a cold Christmas Eve when Trevor and his skins
Popped in for a pint and to nick a bag of crisps
Trevor liked the music but not the unity
He unwound Haji's turban and he knocked him to his knees

If God came down on Christmas Day
I know exactly what He'd say
He'd say "Oi! to the punks
And Oi! to the skins
But Oi! to the world and everybody wins"

Haji was a bloody mess he ran out through the crowd
He said We'll meet again we are bloodied yet unbowed
Trevor called his bluff and told him where to meet
Christmas Day on the roof at 20 Oxford street

If God came down on Christmas Day
I know exactly what He'd say
He'd say "Oi! to the punks
And Oi! to the skins
But Oi! to the world and everybody wins"

On the roof with the nunchucks
Trevor broke a lot of bones
But Haji had a sword
Like that guy from Indiana Jones

Police sirens wailing
A bloody dying man
Haji was alone
And abandoned by his band
Trevor was there fading
And still so full of hate
When the skins left him there
And went down the fire escape

When Haji saw the North Star shining more than ever
And he made a tourniquet from his turban saving Trevor
They rappelled off the roof with the rest of the turban
And went back to the pub where they bought each other bourbon

If God came down on Christmas Day
I know exactly what He'd say
He'd say "Oi! to the punks
And Oi! to the skins
But Oi! to the world and everybody wins"

If God came down on Christmas Day
I know exactly what He'd say
He'd say "Oi! to the punks
And Oi! to the skins
But Oi! to the world and everybody wins"

---

Aww...they're friends now!

That is all.

Thanx For Nothing

So...I slipped up. Nothing that really matters, I just posted a song out of order. Oh well. None of you noticed.

And now for a message about the joy of giving...

---

Fa la la la la la la la la la
Thanks for nothing

You shouldn't have
Oh you didn't
You're so generous
Thanks for nothing

Never mind all the stuff that I bought for you
It was my pleasure
Getting nothing back
Come next year
I'm getting you
Exactly what
You got me
Fucking nothing
See how you like it

I don't have much money
But I got you something nice
I maxed out my card
Didn't care about the price
To show I care this time of year
Fa la la la la la la la la la
Thanks for nothing

So I just sat
Under the Christmas tree
Trying to find the gifts that I thought you got for me
But there was nothing there
What a shock
Just torn up Christmas wrappings
From all the gifts I bought

Thanks for all the effort
To brighten up my Christmas
Thank you for the knife
That you stabbed me in the back with
What a blessing
You're really something
Fa la la la la la la la la la
Thanks for nothing

I've been so selfless
Choosing gifts so thoughtfully
Sweating in a crowded mall
You didn't get shit for me
You selfish asshole
I hope you die
Choking on your putrid pile of presents six feet high

Thanks for making Christmas
Such a disappointment
Thanks for making sharing
Seem so fucking pointless
What a pal
I'll tell you one thing
Fa la la la la la la la la la
Thanks for nothing
Fa la la la la la la la la la
Thanks for nothing
Fa la la la la la la la la la la la la
Fuck you!

---

I apologize in advance to anyone for whom I don't get a present...I'm poor.

That is all.

Nothing's Going To Ruin My Holiday

Here's the words to a little tune about making the best of a bad situation...or something like that.

---

This is going to be the best Christmas ever!

Everything this year's been a disaster
But I won't let that bother me at all
Nothing's gonna bring me down
It's Christmas and I'm pleased as punch
To stand my happy ground

I refuse to let my family make me crazy
I'll smile at their insults and their frowns
Ignore the shitty weather
Cause what counts is we're together
Loving safe and sound

Nothing's gonna ruin my holiday
Not this time, you hear?
And if you try to ruin my holiday
I swear you will regret it for the rest of the fucking year

The turkey might have made the children vomit
The tree burnt down and torched up all our gifts
But I will grin and bear it
And this nightmare we will share it
Til I get my only wish
It's

Nothing's gonna ruin my holiday
No act of God or family fight
Cause if you try to ruin my holiday
I swear you will regret it for the rest of your fucking life
You'll burn in Hell with hot pokers in your eyes
And acid on your flesh

This is going to be the best Christmas ever!

Soon this crappy Christmas will be over
And I'll go right back to my pissed off self
But until that happens
I will just continue laughing
Like one of those creepy retard mutant North-Pole elves

Nothing's gonna ruin my holiday
Not this year I won't let that be the case
And if you try to ruin my holiday
I'll punch you in your fat disgusting turkey eating face
Understand me?!

This is going to be the best Christmas EVER!

---

I don't even have a punchline for this one...

That is all.

Grandpa's Last X-mas

Track 2 of Oi! To The World is a lovely song embracing family values...

---

Mommy!

Mom says
'Put on your Christmas best
Grandpa's coming down this year
And it might be his last'
Why mom
You say that every time
It seems that he's been dying
Ever since that I was nine

I don't mean no disrespect
Because he's old and mean
How come we invite him
When he always makes a scene

Tell me why does
He hit me with his cane
And why should I get him a gift
If he don't know my name
How come
He always calls me Kate
And forgets his dentures
On his dinner plate

This could be Grandpa's last Christmas
That's what Mother says
Grandpa's last Christmas
And soon he might be dead
So be nice
Be nice
To Grandpa

What can
I say to someone 300 years old
When he seems so content
Staring at the Jell-o mold
Please mom
Let me go out and play
Or soon I will go deaf like him
From hearing him complain

I know
His life's been long and hard
And he deserves some quiet peace
In a nice graveyard
Grandpa
I love you just the same
But I know you won't be happy
Til you drove us all insane
Just like you

Grandpa's last Christmas
That's what Mother says
Grandpa's last Christmas
And soon he might be dead
So be nice
Be nice
To Grandpa
Cause he's old
And he smells
And he's gonna die soon
Be nice
To Grandpa

---

I actually played this at a family Christmas party a couple years ago. My grandpa loved it!

That is all.

Um...a sidenote on the Oi

So I just listened to 'Oi!...' all the way through and I've decided that there are a couple I don't think I'll be posting. I'd forgotten about them. But I'll still put a link up so you curious-types can still educate yourselves.

That is all.

A Gun For Christmas

The first installment of the magic that is Oi! To The World...

(note: this song is REALLY fast, so a couple lyrics may be misheard...)

---

Families lock their doors in fear that criminals might get them
But this Christmas rest assured that I will have my own protection

I'll get a gun for Christmas to pretect my other gifts
If burglars touch my property they won't leave here without a limp
Packing heat this Christmas I'll shoot it off on New Year's Eve
Cause bullets go in outer space when pointed up, I believe

A bullet sends a Christmas message that is clear and loud
Says I will not take all of this bullshit lying down
I'll get a gun for Christmas to protect my other gifts
I'll only tell you once, stay the fuck away from my shit

I will use my new weapon in self-defense and sport
And to keep the carollers off of my G*ddamn porch
And preventing Yuletide homicides this year

I won't be a victim this year thanks to Santa Claus
Sleeping with no fear of danger and it's all because
I'll get a gun for Christmas to protect my other gifts
I'll only tell you once, stay the fuck away from my shit

Christmas needs security, security is weapons
Vigilante action teaching criminals their lesson
It's the greatest gift we have, taking out our rival
Thank you Santa, thank you God for guaranteeing my survival

A bullet sends a Christmas message that is clear and loud
Says I will not take all of this bullshit lying down
I'll get a gun for Christmas to protect my other gifts
I'll only tell you once, stay the fuck away from my shit

I won't be a victim this year thanks to Santa Clause
Sleeping with no fear of danger and it's all because
I'll get a gun for Christmas to protect my other gifts
I'll only tell you once, stay the fuck away from my crap
I'll bust a cap in your ass

---

Co-G, I think of you every time I listen to this song...

That is all.