Wednesday, July 23, 2008

The top 2 people to stare death in the face (right before doing it's mom)

Ok, so we left off with those coal miner guys. Intense, eh? So here are the top 2.

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#2 Brent Case Has Bear-Proof Skin

WHO WAS HE?
A surveyor working up in Canada, which is like the US, but with better beer and fewer guns.

HOW HE STARED DOWN DEATH:
Brent was minding his own business while working in the forests of British Columbia when Death came to visit in the form of a 900-pound adult grizzly bear.

Brent was carrying an ax at the time, but that probably doesn't help a lot against a bear unless it's the kind of ax that shoots shotgun shells. Brent, knowing better, decided to play dead.

Unfortunately the bear wasn't looking for a fair fight and started munching on Brent's skull. At one point he thought the bear was actually eating his brain. While this may not have been true, from the picture in the article you can't blame him for thinking this.

The bear took a few more chunks out of Brent, threw him into a bog and jumped on him WWE-style a few times before saying "Screw it" and walking off leaving Brent for dead.

It should be noted that playing dead still probably saved his life, as bears typically won't eat an already-dead victim (we're not sure why, but we think it's considered dishonorable according to the code all bears live by). Regardless, with his scalp hanging in huge flaps from his skull and bleeding heavily, Brent managed to get up and go for help. He got back to his car and drove 15 miles, covered in blood and bear bites. Death could only stand on the side of the road and shake its fist.


#1 Alexis Goggins, Invincible Girl

WHO WAS SHE?
Just an ordinary first grader, attending classes, hanging with her friends.

HOW SHE STARED DOWN DEATH:
She had to save her mom from some crazy dude. She did this by jumping in front of him and taking six bullets, point blank, including a couple to the head.

It started when some lowlife kidnapped Alexis and her mom (OK, the lowlife was the mom's boyfriend). The mother tried to stall the bad guy and managed to call 911, but the cops said they couldn't send anyone. Apparently they were all busy with more fucked up situations than a man holding a child hostage at gunpoint.

It was at this point that the gunman decided he should stamp his passport into hell and started shooting. Two bullets struck the mother before little Alexis dove between them, begging the shooter to stop. Without hesitation, he shot six times, little Alexis taking the bullets that would have killed her mother. By this time the cops arrived, as they figured things were getting really serious because now someone was actually shooting.

Alexis thought about dying for a second then decided she still had some shit to do. Death could only watch as she grabbed her stuff and headed back to the land of the living, despite some serious injuries that would have killed most of us twice and some of us three times.

This would be jaw-droppingly impressive for a 250-pound Marine combat vet, let alone a seven-year-old girl. And while we would like to cling to our original theory that she's actually an immortal Highlander, the truth is this seven-year-old girl is simply more man than we'll ever be.

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SEVEN. YEARS. OLD!!! Holy crap. Good on ya, little girl.

So, the next time you think you're all hard because you got took a punch or even a baseball bat, think of these people and cradle those dangly things you call balls. Their's are of way more use. Yes, even the seven-year-old girl's.

That is all.

2 comments:

Conservative Ginger said...

If you liked this stories you should go and rent the Documentary called, "Touching the Void." Amazing!

Norte said...

I've read the book. It's a gooder.